Mushroom Risotto

People always ask me at my age why I’m not married. They’re always surprised to hear that I was married three times before.

I don’t like to talk about it but sometimes people just won’t let it go.

So I’ll tell them that my first three wives all passed away. My first wife was a progressive naturalist. She loved to forage. Plant gardens eat healthy. One day we were foraging for mushrooms. We picked several different kinds. Because I’m a chef, of course I cooked them. I made a delicious chicken Marsala. Tragically, the next morning when I woke up, she had passed in her sleep. Some of the mushrooms we picked were not edible.

After years of being a solitary man, I’m at my second wife. She was a free spirit, a hippie type. It took me a long time to tell her the story about my first wife. She suggested that we go foraging for mushrooms. She was kind of an expert and had a book with pictures. When we got home, I made a delicious mushroom risotto. Tragically, the next morning I woke up she had passed away. I never thought I would get married again after that.

At this point, you might be noticing a trend, but I assure you that’s not how my third wife passed away. My third wife tragically died falling down a flight of stairs. She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.

Mushroom Risotto

Ingredients
Arborio Rice, 2 Cups
White Wine, 1 Cups
Chicken Stock, 4 Cups
Chopped Garlic, 1/2 Cup
Diced Yellow Onion, 1 Large
Your Favorite Mushroom Sliced, 2 Pounds
Vegetable Oil, 1 Cup
Truffle Oil, 2 oz
Cold Butter, 4 oz
Parmesan 1 Cup
Salt-N-Pepa (My favorite Hip Hop group) to taste

Process
Start by adding half your oil to a large pot. When you reach your smoke point, add your rice. Stir well to get a brown color, but not too dark. You want the rice to look like Jose, not Kofi.

Next, add your wine and simmer down. Simmer down now ya’ll. Finally, add your chicken stock in batches. Make sure your stock is seasoned well. As it the stock is absorbed by the rice, replenish it. Save 1 cup of stock for later. You will be constantly stirring. This process takes about 20 minutes. At this point you can stop cooking the rice and set it aside. Lay it out flat on a sheet tray.

In a large sauté pan, add the rest of your oil. Bring to its smoke point. At this point, hit the sum’bitch with the vegetables. Garlic, onion and YES, mushrooms! Use whatever mushrooms you like. Baby Bella’s would be the conservative choice, but I like me some shiitake. Season the veggies. Keep the heat on high and keep the pan moving until your veggies begin to caramelize.

Now you can add the rest of the chicken stock and add your rice back in. Toss these together well, incorporating them evenly. Once the stock is nearly reduced, now you’ll add your Cold Butter and half the Parmesan. Turn off the heat and keep tossing the pan. This will give us a silky, creamy texture. Once the butter and cheese are incorporated, we can separate onto four plates. This recipe feeds four, unless you’re a fat piece of shit.

Use the rest of the cheese to garnish the plates. Finally, drizzle about a half an oz of Truffle Oil on each plate and serve to your loved one. And hey, who knows? They might just be your next wife.