Whip It Ronda

Halloween has come and gone. The candies have all been eaten, and all that remains are Toffees. Fuck toffees. Toffees are disgusting. Sometimes I feel like I am toffee. It’s been that way since I lost the love of my life…Whip It Ronda.

Ronda and I met at the 7-11 one day before our work shifts. I was upset, because they were all out of Whipped Cream. I think she saw me crying on the bench outside.

“What’s wrong little guy?” Ronda asked. She was 6’2 and 260 pounds. I loved every bit of her at first sight. I told her what was wrong and she wiped the tear from my eye. She promised she could help me.

“Did you check for Cheese Whip?” she asked.

“What!?” I shouted.

“Yeah dude, you can get high off of Cheese Whip too!” she explained.

Cheese Whip, its genius. I can’t believe it’s never crossed my mind. This woman, she’s amazing. From then on out me and Ronda would be inseparable. Ronda would show me all sorts of things I could huff to get high. It was our favorite thing to do together. We spent most of our time sitting at the ledge of the roof of my apartment building, throwing empty cans of whipped cream to the road at night. Until one day, I was gonna ask her to marry her. I wanted to ask her in that deep voice you get when you take a hit. It was gonna be magical.

So I did it.

“1….2……3……..” I chanted before we both inhaled as deep as we could.

“Will you marry me,” I asked, sounding like a robot in slow motion.

Ronda’s eyes got huge. I think she was in shock…and think she forgot to exhale. Her face turned red, and Whip It Ronda fell to her death.

I still think about Whip It Ronda. These days I only consume whipped cream atop my coffee drink. If Ronda were here, I would make her this recipe:

Chocolate Kahlua Whipped Cream

Ingredients
Heavy Cream, 2 Cups
Confectioners Sugar, 2 TBS
Semi Sweet Chocolate, 4 Oz
Kahlua, 2 TBS

Procedure
In an a kitchen aid, whip the cream until it begins to thicken and then stop. Do it by hand if you hate yourself. I did it by hand.

Meanwhile temper the chocolate in a microwave safe bowl by heating it for only 10 second intervals, until it is smooth and melted.

Add the Kahlua and Sugar and begin mixing again.

Slowly drizzle in your chocolate. When the Whipped Cream has developed soft peaks, stop the process.

Add to your favorite ice cream and cry yourself to sleep.